Identifying the Pain

I was very hurt by what a friend recently did. I am struggling on how to tell him, and I don’t know if he will understand. I know eventually I will forgive him, but I won’t forget how he made me feel, especially if he discards the pain and doesn’t try to understand where I am coming from. Forgiving is not forgetting but I can alter my expectations and likely our relationship will not be the same.

I have thought about what it is I want, and honestly, I don’t want my efforts to be dismissed so easily – to feel that my work doesn’t matter and can be pushed aside without thought. Does that mean my pride was hurt? Yes, I suppose so since I felt undervalued, but it also means that I am finally understanding my worth is not based on title or income.  What I am focusing on now is important to me, and can be for many others, so I feel justified in expecting my efforts to be acknowledged and appreciated, not for attention, but because my desire for connection includes feeling valued.

Reclaiming My Worth

I also am establishing boundaries and saying what I will accept and what I won’t. This has been hard for me as I was raised to be a good, obeying, people-pleasing Catholic girl (although my family will laugh at the obeying part). It has only been in my 50s and 60s that I recognized my value and put up limits. My husband mentioned the other day how, over the years, that I have allowed several “friends” to take advantage of my good nature. There were many years at my earlier job that I spent trying to understand why I could not please narcissistic bosses (after doing research on the subject, I understand now how I attracted them to me). It can truly make you want to hide away from people and not want to deal with them anymore.

However, I know that relationships are so important to my state of mind and happiness. No one is perfect but I can decide where I can give and still be healthy, and where I need to put up a stop sign and say I am not giving anymore to this effort if the current situation continues.

One advantage of being older and recognizing that I have a finite amount of time left to live, is that I won’t put up with being mistreated or taken advantage of. I am speaking up, respectfully and kindly, if I can. I am willing to walk away from situations when I figure out that they are not going to improve, but I also am willing to work on them if there is a chance for recovery.

Discovering Our Value

Have you had an experience (or one or two or…) where it became clear what is important to you? Did this happen because someone tread on something of value to you and it made you realize that a line had been crossed? Are you like me and have, for a long time, gave excuses for those who did not appreciate the spark of life that makes you you?

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When I was a manager, I had this sign posted on my wall to remind me that everyone I was dealing with was a person with feelings.

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said,

people will forget what you did,

but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

Maya Angelou